How to get grown children to leave home
After having given a lifetime to your kids, it’s time for a little «me» time, but what do you do when grown up kids decide home is where they still belong? Although parents want the best for their kids, they also want a little quality time alone. It’s easy to help your grown up child to find their own feet, letting them enjoy independence and appreciate all that it offers, though it takes subtlety and a great plan to put this into effect. Of course you love your kids, and of course they love and depend upon you, though it’s time they let go of your apron strings and got on with life without you. You may soon be seeing the suitcases in the hallway, though do need to employ your parenting skills to succeed.
Look at their motives to stay.
You need to seriously look at their motives to stay at home. Often much of their reasoning is that it is easier to have someone to do all your chores for you, or that it’s easier than taking responsibility for yourself. Grown children who are still at home are there for a reason. They may not have a very good social life, or may be oblivious to their being at home being anything other than normal. Try to write down the reasons you believe they are still there, as this helps you to work out ways to show them that their reasons are not good enough to disrupt your lives.
The live in servant.
If, as a parent, you find that you are their live in servant, stop being a doormat. The only way you can expect kids of any age to take responsibility is to show them how to take on the responsibility for themselves. If you do their washing, ironing, cleaning and cooking, when will they ever grow up? Tell them that now they are an adult, they will be expected to learn how to do all these tasks. Make them feel that this is for their benefit and tell them you want them to learn independence so that they can fend for themselves.
A free ride.
Often parents let their grown up kids get away with not paying their way. Sit down and talk to them about what they pay toward their keep. Show them the economics of it. What children pay their parents is often insufficient to meet the costs having the child at home involve. Let them see clearly what household costs are, and be sure to ask them to pay what they can afford. Don’t make the mistake of letting them off. In real life, they would never find a landlord who would be that lenient. They really do have to face the fact that nothing comes for free in life.
This is your home.
One thing that grown up kids hate is when they cannot do the things which older kids want to do. Set restrictions, and make them rigid. This is your home and while they are a temporary resident under your roof, expect them to abide by your rules. This includes things like inviting girlfriends or boyfriends back, about the level of volume which comes from their bedroom, and all of their behaviors which are not what you want to be a constant part of your lives within that house. The irritating habits need to go. One of the incentives grown up children find when restricted is that urge for freedom, and often this is just the incentive they need to look for alternative living accommodation.
Talk to them honestly.
If all else fails, talk to them honestly about how you feel. They are supposed to be an adult. They may be hurt of confused at first, but don’t mix your messages. Tell them that you and your partner expected to get quality time together once the children had grown up and left home. Tell them how their being there hinders your plans and dreams, and do ensure that your partner shows solidarity with your views, and doesn’t mix the messages given to them.
Help them face their demons.
Perhaps there are other reasons why your grown up children stay at home. Talk to them about moving, and find out if they have any fears about moving out. When grown up kids do move out, ultimately they find the reward of independence, but more than that, they begin to discover who they are. If they have self esteem problems, help them to get through these, taking things a step at a time, with the ultimate goal being to move them into their own apartment or house sharing with others. Let them know you love them, but let them know that just as there are times kids want to be free of parents, it works two ways.
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