How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Seeking of the mysterious disappearing chucked wood.

Once upon a time, in a sun soaked raisin filled land of «Improbables». There lived a Tongue named Twister. A charming and polite tongue he was. Always ready to solve mysteries. Today was no exception. A new mystery lurked in the sun, soaked raisin filled land of «Improbables». There was loud, excited knocks on Twisters door. It was his mother, the goose.

«Hey Twister», Said Mother.
«Yeah Mom?» Replied Twister.
«We have a brand new mystery today, the mystery of the over chucking of wood!» Exclaimed Mother.
Twister seemingly surprised said «Oh my, Oh my, it must be the wood chucking, wood chucker who can’t stop chucking wood.
«Do we know how much of the wood chuck chucked wood ?» Asked Twister.
«I’m afraid we don’t know.» Said mother disappointedly.

Immediately Twister grabbed his Listerine coated tongue jacket and went about solving this peculiar scenario. He promptly drove his chocolate N&N car to Chuck’s house, somewhere in northern Washington. (Still in the land of «Improbables»)

(For those too slow on catching on, Chuck is the suspected wood chucking wood chucker.)

«Hi ya Chuck!» Shouted Twister.
«What do you want?» replied a rather fat looking groundhog.
«Do you know how much wood chucking did you chuck recently? We have an over chucking of wood in the area and its causing major concern for the environment.» Stated Twister.
Chuck replied nonchalantly, «I don’t know. Too much I guess.
I’ve just had so many new orders for wood chucks lately.» Been so busy I lost count. I had to fulfill peter and sally’s orders. (Chuck was in the construction business)
«Peter and Sally?» Exclaimed Twister
«Yes, I think you have to go find them and tally the amount up yourself, I’m pooped.» Said Chuck

He thought to himself, «I need to establish how much of the chucked wood Peter, the pickled pepper who piped tobacco (Nasty habit I might add) bought. Than add that to the wood bought by Sally the seashell, who sells herself. (Not in that way you perverts) She does events like birthdays and children’s parties. She usually uses chucked wood in the barbecues and stuff like that.» How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

«There must be an easier way?» He thought to himself. «Maybe I should consult the world’s greatest mathematician, the Blind Deer the Seer!»

So that’s what he did.

«Hey Seer.» Greeted Twister. «Are you the deer who can’t see, err?»
«.» Replied the Deer.
«Can you help me; calculate the amount of chucked wood Chuck the wood chucking chucker chucked? Please add the wood peter the pickled pepper who constantly piped bought. The same with Sally the seashell the seller of sally’s services of the Seashell Events & Services Incorporated. How much chucked wood did Chuck totally chuck? Asked Twister.
«.» Replied the Deer.
«That’s impossible you are the greatest mathematician ever! You cannot tell me you are just a no eye deer with no idea to the solution!» Exclaimed Twister
«.» Was the Answer the no idea deer gave.

With that Twister the tongue gave a great big sigh. He sat down and started pondering.
For hours upon hours he just sat there pondering. Without moving, eating or so much as a bathroom break Twister just sat there pondering the eternal question. «How much wood could a wood chuck called Chuck, chuck if a wood chuck called Chucked was paid to chuck.

If you live in New York, and you don’t get around the city in a sealed off impenetrable bubble suit with an imperceptible ectoskin exterior, and I know who you are, you will eventually be confronted with the problem of how to deal with loose nut street thugs on a one way ticket for trouble. We can all sit around and proclaim great slogans like we’re a bunch of detached socialites going from limo to limo with arched elbows throwing back martinis in a recliner on the 68th floor. However, when confronted with a situation where our pride and our physical state of well being is put into a state of flux, just saying no may not be an exercisable option. The question will arise How can the right people be put into the right places, without risking personal inconvenience or bodily harm.

New York is built on a hill like one giant run off duct. From Washington Heights everything flows downtown, Side slush washing off into the East side duct of Bellevue and the west side outlet of the Chelsea Piers penitentiary. Continuing downtown there is the great sucking orifice of Central Booking the 2nd leg of the New York City Penal system cuffed marathon.

Booking has become a place for everybody, like some kind of venal Reading Rainbow, due to the cities great success with a zero tolerance policy towards passive enjoyment and racialism. There are also those to whom the trip to Booking is inevitable and who confront it with the joyous skipitude of Dorothy heading down the Yellow Brick Road. What is vitally important, is that we not obstacle their flow. Jesus spoke of turning the other cheek, but he also kicked people in the balls who were starting. Dostoyevsky wrestled with the problem. Larry Dostoyevsky, my Super, has often had problems on the bagel line with young girls on cell phones who feign ignorance when you call them out for cutting the line. Larry Dostoyevsky also speaks of waiting to get off the train as some fool stands front and center blocking the way, pretending to not even notice you, looking for a good seat. The rule is simple just look beneath the adjunctment clause of the 29th Amendment, the people get off before the people get on.’

So when the criminal denizens of the night confront you, see that smoldering in their eyes, know that there is a place for them, like the Feng Shui of a Genesis Palmetto throw rug underneath a Laurelton Leaf Cloisonne’ Votive Candle Holder and think ‘How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?’

Writer: Turford


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