How to apologize to a good friend
A sharp tongue slices deeper than the sharpest knife. What happens when we argue and forget to communicate, as I call it, empathically?
What causes us to grieve for ourselves deeper than we could ever grieve for anyone else, except for maybe a child?
What is the reasoning that causes us to embrace those who would praise and seemingly deliver us from ourselves, as opposed to those who speak bluntly and truthfully?
What causes us to define truth narrowly and in self-serving manners?
Nothing but questions I am sure the wisest of humans have attempted to answer through the ages. I certainly don’t have answers. And where does that leave us so called humans?
Who the hell knows?
I have learned over the years that those we love are the ones most likely to anger us the most. This has been a most devastating revelation to me because of the various lessons that life has tested me on and I often failed. But I always try to take a lesson away. I try to walk away with something that makes me a better man. And I have become a better man because of all those failed tests. I’ve become a better man, but I am still incomplete and I am still evolving. I am reaching for something I cannot have and I am not sure what it is. But I keep on reaching, keep on testing and keep on failing with the occasional triumph upon which I temporarily stand proud because unearned and perpetual pride is the cause of much human heartache.
I make mistakes, but I have become a better man I say and one might wonder how? I’m not sure I can dutifully explain the answer unless my past is completely revealed, a scarred and foggy past mostly forgotten and tucked away into the deepest recesses of my soul because I cannot let the past rule my present or future actions. I can only take the lessons of the past and hope to continue evolving, learning, loving.
I have looked into God’s eyes and I am he. I am the Christ that once walked the earth. I am the Moses that once parted the sea. I am those men for those who believe such things because if there were a God, then he is all us. He is you and me, our daughters and sons. He is the trees, rivers and valleys that line this once great earth. He is nature. He is the blood that coerces through our veins and the heart that rhythms life. He is our thoughts and passions. He is our ability to live, love, laugh and forgive.
And yet we squander our potential greatness on the edge of a knife placed against the flesh; a threatened existence in the midst of a contrived safety net of self-preservation and self-pity. I recognize my weaknesses but I am human and can only attempt to master my senses. But I strengthen every day of my existence with the knowledge that my final objective is to say that I tried and was at least moderately successful at being a good father, a good man, a good friend in spite of my imperfections and my inabilities to consistently control my passions. Death is judge and concurrently the ultimate equalizer. Death is not prejudice, racist, passionate or dispassionate. Death is a momentary and final visit from that which brought us here in the first place. Death completes us; this journey. And what lies in wait? No-one will ever know until they get there. I’m in no hurry, but time is fleet and we best stop wasting it.
In the mean time, I press on. I fight. I grieve. I bleed until such time that I can begin healing self-inflicted wounds.
But most importantly, I am grateful for having you in my life even though I don’t always show it.